within a set of values and assumptions we create about life, we base our actions and gain understanding to our experiences. self betrayal is the going against our life compass, when our actions don't line up with our set of values or beliefs. reconciliation is the process we go through to give validity and meaning to our actions that have caused self betrayal. in order to exist, human beings go through this process of reconciliation on a frequent if not daily basis. without it we have no meaning to our life, we lack purpose.
thanks to dr. jacobsen, my social psych professor i know how to define what i am experiencing in my life. my list of reconciliation tactics include these: i must be doing something wrong-if only i went to bed on time, accomplished my goals, studied the scriptures more sincerely, prayed with more earnestness, pondered more, weighed less, wasted less time, served more diligently, budgeted more wisely, showed more integrity, had a cleaner room, slept more regularly and had a closer relationship to God-then i would be married. if i had been more ready when that wonderful boy dated me then he would have wanted to pursue me and i would be married. i must be doing something wrong-do i have issues i need to take care of? i must have other things the Lord still needs me to do while i am single that i can't do while i am married. i am too busy with work, school, calling, and serving other people, i am working myself single. i have done too many things with my life and i intimidate men. i'm not asking the Lord sincerely enough. i'm not listening to what He is asking me to do. someday i will be more able to serve God's children because i can empathize with them and their being single.
are these things true? should i be giving them credence? i heed to the first set the most, or anything i can change about myself, to improve myself. i make long lists of things i need to do and then i fail miserably and add "keep my goals" to the long list of goals i can't seem to accomplish. i fear i have missed my chance by not being ready or by working myself single while spiritually i know that those are not true, and that is not how a merciful God runs His universe, and especially not the individual lives of His precious children. i believe more than any of the other reasons that there are things i must do while single and can't do while married, yet i don't dwell on what those things might be as much as all the things i must be doing wrong.
and today i cried about it. now that's weird for me, because even though i may feel lonely and want to be loved, usually me actually crying is brought on by an individual not reciprocating my feelings. this is okay, and also rare. but today i cried because i was not married. today i cried because i am not a mom.
it seems like such a simple thing to desire, and such a righteous thing too. God would never punish me for getting an education and for serving a mission. in fact on the contrary God promises He will not withhold these blessings from those who serve Him and do as He has asked.
my four older sisters were married at ages 18, 19, 19, and 20. my brother was the oldest and was married at 23 or 24. i am 25 and further from marriage than one could imagine. the only thing i've done differently than them is get an education and serve a mission, and keep progressing as much as i can as a single person.
sociologically this makes sense. i mean as you progress you also expect to marry someone equal to, or above you intellectually and spiritually not to mention matching you in life experience. one could easily say i am holding out for someone amazing and the better i become the better he becomes and thus the more worthwhile my wait.
did you know that some days i don't want to wait anymore. those are the days i cave. the days i cuddle with someone i don't like. the days i go on another date with a boy i know i won't marry. the days i allow boys who don't really care about me to kiss me. the former has only happened twice, but it's easy to think, "at least someone wants me." "what if no one else ever comes along?"
i am fairly positive the last thing i am is bitter or even preoccupied with my lack of being married. i don't make it a habit to focus on it. what must sherri dew or barbara thompson feel like? they're twice my age perhaps more,and still single.
i do trust God. i do trust He will keep His promises. i do believe i can bless many lives while i wait for what i desire most.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Sunday, December 18, 2011
life happens to you
"i'm going to prison," he says. "why should i try? i know where i'll end up." i'm at work, teaching my life skills group. he's right you know. he will end up in prison. at age 16 he's already given up. dad went to prison, mom went to prison, got out, overdosed, and died. brothers, uncles, cousins...they've all gone to prison. why would he be different?
it's unfair when you think about it. my family life is not immune to it's challenges. but i was born with a shot. he was born to fail. now obviously i don't believe he can't succeed. my heart aches for him every time he speaks. he has no hope. i want to give him mine, unfortunately hope is nontransferable.
his bright red hair, his handsome face, his ability to befriend the other kids, to make them feel good about themselves, he is good to the core. his potential is truly limitless, unless he limits it himself. how does one give that hope away.
i live in a world divided. at work the only thing these kids need is the hope provided through the atonement, and that is the very thing i can not utter. religion. but it's so much a part of me, i cannot be separated from what i believe, it seeps out of every comment i make. what if they can feel my love for them. what if i can give them chances to succeed. what if they can see their worth through me. that is what i want to be for them.
brown skin, brown eyes, brown hair, white teeth, quick smile, and eyes that sparkle. but tonight they are dimmed by sadness. he refuses to participate. he doesn't pretend to care. "everyone is faking it." he says. i listen. "no one cares, your getting paid to be here, you don't understand my *#$% i've been through." he starts to cry. 17 years old and a gang banger. but he cries, "you don't understand, i have no one!" i weep with him.
he's right you know. i don't understand. i have everyone. i know i am loved, i know i am protected, i know i am taken care of. i know he is too. i can't give him that knowledge. i try. i know someone who understands him. i ask, "what about your higher power?" he says, "there is no higher power. i'm my higher power, all i have is me."
i can't get into grad school. my gpa is too low. i couldn't get to class on time. i couldn't do my homework on time. i didn't have time to study for the test. i cry at night while emailing my professor. why am i trying for grad school. i'll never get in. how could i let this happen? how could i let life happen to me? why didn't i let me happen to life?
i'm right you know. i can't get into grad school. a 3.0 is hardly acceptable. i don't deserve it, because i've only tried enough to finish everything, and not enough to finish well. i've blown my chances.
i'm wrong you know. the boys are wrong you know. i get to choose. i have chosen, and will continue to choose. they can choose. we all get to choose. we can happen to life. all that is required is my little effort and in return my higher power, my God, my Heavenly Father, will always make up the difference. He loves me.
we all have so much more power to be who we want and do what we want, then we allow for ourselves. the only one who limits me is me.
i live in a vicious cycle that i don't stop. i must stop. i must quit being tossed about like a feather in a storm and start being a feather attached to the strong wing of an eagle. i can soar. my eagle is my God. i choose to soar. i choose to be attached to the only thing that can help me succeed.
did you know i can make a difference?
it's unfair when you think about it. my family life is not immune to it's challenges. but i was born with a shot. he was born to fail. now obviously i don't believe he can't succeed. my heart aches for him every time he speaks. he has no hope. i want to give him mine, unfortunately hope is nontransferable.
his bright red hair, his handsome face, his ability to befriend the other kids, to make them feel good about themselves, he is good to the core. his potential is truly limitless, unless he limits it himself. how does one give that hope away.
i live in a world divided. at work the only thing these kids need is the hope provided through the atonement, and that is the very thing i can not utter. religion. but it's so much a part of me, i cannot be separated from what i believe, it seeps out of every comment i make. what if they can feel my love for them. what if i can give them chances to succeed. what if they can see their worth through me. that is what i want to be for them.
brown skin, brown eyes, brown hair, white teeth, quick smile, and eyes that sparkle. but tonight they are dimmed by sadness. he refuses to participate. he doesn't pretend to care. "everyone is faking it." he says. i listen. "no one cares, your getting paid to be here, you don't understand my *#$% i've been through." he starts to cry. 17 years old and a gang banger. but he cries, "you don't understand, i have no one!" i weep with him.
he's right you know. i don't understand. i have everyone. i know i am loved, i know i am protected, i know i am taken care of. i know he is too. i can't give him that knowledge. i try. i know someone who understands him. i ask, "what about your higher power?" he says, "there is no higher power. i'm my higher power, all i have is me."
i can't get into grad school. my gpa is too low. i couldn't get to class on time. i couldn't do my homework on time. i didn't have time to study for the test. i cry at night while emailing my professor. why am i trying for grad school. i'll never get in. how could i let this happen? how could i let life happen to me? why didn't i let me happen to life?
i'm right you know. i can't get into grad school. a 3.0 is hardly acceptable. i don't deserve it, because i've only tried enough to finish everything, and not enough to finish well. i've blown my chances.
i'm wrong you know. the boys are wrong you know. i get to choose. i have chosen, and will continue to choose. they can choose. we all get to choose. we can happen to life. all that is required is my little effort and in return my higher power, my God, my Heavenly Father, will always make up the difference. He loves me.
we all have so much more power to be who we want and do what we want, then we allow for ourselves. the only one who limits me is me.
i live in a vicious cycle that i don't stop. i must stop. i must quit being tossed about like a feather in a storm and start being a feather attached to the strong wing of an eagle. i can soar. my eagle is my God. i choose to soar. i choose to be attached to the only thing that can help me succeed.
did you know i can make a difference?
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
one is the loneliest number
sunday a group of girls all ages 18 to 30 sit together in my relief society. the topic being discussed is loneliness. as sisters share why loneliness is universal i look around me at the faces on the sisters in my ward. they are beautiful...but in almost everyone of them, at this exact moment their faces reflect sadness. the sadness i see is the kind that only comes when they think no one is watching, the kind that involuntarily etches it's way across their faces as their mind is going through a slide show of their life. each face shares the pain they mask each day, the pain they usually ignore, but in this moment of vulnerability it is clearly evident. i know most of these girls personally, and as i look at them i think of their stories they have shared with me. i think about what might be on their mind, and am reminded of the pain caused by my own moments of loneliness.
sitting there in this lesson sisters begin to share scriptures that have strengthened them in times of loneliness. as i ponder over all the hundreds of people i love who have shared their stories with me, i think of where their lonely tales have led them. i think of my own scripture, my own strength, and i share it with those lovely sisters.
alma 32:41-43 (as you read imagine your times of loneliness and the things you have been willing to give up)
41-but if ye will nourish the word, yea nourish the tree as it beginneth to grow, by your faith with great dilligence, and with patience, looking forward to the fruit thereof, it shall take root; and behold it shall be a tree springing up unto everlasting life.
42-and because of your dilligence and your faith and your patience with the word in nourishing it, that it may take root in you, behold, by and by ye shall pluck the fruit thereof, which is most precious, which is sweet above all that is sweet, and which is pure above all that is pure, and ye shall feast upon this fruit even until ye are filled, that ye hunger not neither shall ye thirst.
43-then, my brethren, ye shall reap the rewards of your faith , and your diligence, and patience, and long-suffering, waiting for the tree to bring forth fruit unto you.
i happen to believe this. a ces talk forever ago by president james e. faust left me with this phrase forever etched in my mind, "anything worthwhile requires sacrifice." i guess what i'm trying to say is that loneliness is satan trying to tell us we are worthless, that no one will want us or to be around us. then if we believe him we take the first shadow of what we want...not what we really want, only the shadow that is easily accessible. the real thing takes time to find or work for, but it is real, and no matter how long we have to wait it is always going to be better than the shadow.
sitting there in this lesson sisters begin to share scriptures that have strengthened them in times of loneliness. as i ponder over all the hundreds of people i love who have shared their stories with me, i think of where their lonely tales have led them. i think of my own scripture, my own strength, and i share it with those lovely sisters.
alma 32:41-43 (as you read imagine your times of loneliness and the things you have been willing to give up)
41-but if ye will nourish the word, yea nourish the tree as it beginneth to grow, by your faith with great dilligence, and with patience, looking forward to the fruit thereof, it shall take root; and behold it shall be a tree springing up unto everlasting life.
42-and because of your dilligence and your faith and your patience with the word in nourishing it, that it may take root in you, behold, by and by ye shall pluck the fruit thereof, which is most precious, which is sweet above all that is sweet, and which is pure above all that is pure, and ye shall feast upon this fruit even until ye are filled, that ye hunger not neither shall ye thirst.
43-then, my brethren, ye shall reap the rewards of your faith , and your diligence, and patience, and long-suffering, waiting for the tree to bring forth fruit unto you.
i happen to believe this. a ces talk forever ago by president james e. faust left me with this phrase forever etched in my mind, "anything worthwhile requires sacrifice." i guess what i'm trying to say is that loneliness is satan trying to tell us we are worthless, that no one will want us or to be around us. then if we believe him we take the first shadow of what we want...not what we really want, only the shadow that is easily accessible. the real thing takes time to find or work for, but it is real, and no matter how long we have to wait it is always going to be better than the shadow.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
my life in dr. seuss
"there once was a girl-bird named gertrude mcfuzz and she had the smallest plain tail ever was. one droopy-droop feather. that's all that she had. and, oh! that one feather made gertrude so sad. for there was another young bird that she knew, a fancy young birdie named lolla-lee-lou, and instead of one feather behind, she had two!" (dr. seuss) so the story goes on...gertrude finds some berries that help feathers grow, she eats one, then another and another and another. by the time she's finished she has a whole train of lovely feathers, but she can't fly. in the end the other birds have to fly her home and pluck out all her feathers but the original one.
every day i meet a plethora of gertrudes...they can be found anywhere. i am confident men have gertrude mcfuzz moments...but i can guarantee every girl you meet is a gertrude mcfuzz, perhaps not right at this moment...but certainly they have been a gertrude recently, and they will be again soon. you, if you're female, are a gertrude. the truth is that even the lolla-lee-lou you've been envying, she's really a gertrude too.
so saturday i'm sitting in the hot tub with a group of friends. here comes this girl, this gorgeous perfectly shaped girl. everything she has is very blatantly showing, and all the guys notice. the men congregate around her, but as the night progresses i notice all she's getting are people staring at her and no one talking to her. soon she slides under the cover of the clear water, trying to hide what she left uncovered before she came. i felt bad for her. and yet i found myself wishing i was her. wishing i could get guys, even just one guy to look at me like they looked at her.
the very next day i'm sitting next to a beloved friend. she's shy and extremely quiet, beautiful in her own way, but never noticed. everyone assumes she prefers to be hidden, to be in the background. but there she is trying to mask the sadness and despair she feels, trying to not reveal her tears as they well up in her eyes. all she wants is to be loved, to be seen, to be something that someone will want. and she says, "sometimes i don't believe i'll ever get married."
yesterday i go to work, and i teach my group therapy to the girls at drug rehab. we watch killing us softly 4 and discuss how media and society change our self perception. not just how we view ourselves, but also how others see us, or worse...how they don't see us. i ask the girls if they think the ads and media messages influence them. the newest girl, youngest too, says, "it may sound silly, but i always wish i had their hair." this beautiful 14 year old has perfect hair...but not perfect enough. another girl tells how she always wants to be skinnier when she sees the perfectly shaped woman in the media. i look at her, tall and very slender...and i know something is very wrong in our world.
today at my other job i sit in the back of a meeting and a dear friend tells me of her little sister. her sister has always been overweight. recently she has been obsessing about losing the pounds, all she wants is to be wanted. there is this guy that works with her little sister. he doesn't want to date her, but he sweet talks her and makes out with her...and at the end of the day all she has to show for it is the purple marks up and down her neck. but finally she is being noticed, but for what? for how long?
i hate being gertrude and and i hate that society expects us to never settle for being a gertrude. so now i'm doing something about it. i'm gonna be a dreaded blogger...cause i hate not being seen...and worse i hate wanting to be seen. i hate feeling willing at times to sacrifice all i hold dear and all i've worked for for so long, just to have a moment of attention from someone, anyone. i don't know who will see this blog, but if i'm the only one who ever reads it, it will still be worthwhile.
every day i meet a plethora of gertrudes...they can be found anywhere. i am confident men have gertrude mcfuzz moments...but i can guarantee every girl you meet is a gertrude mcfuzz, perhaps not right at this moment...but certainly they have been a gertrude recently, and they will be again soon. you, if you're female, are a gertrude. the truth is that even the lolla-lee-lou you've been envying, she's really a gertrude too.
so saturday i'm sitting in the hot tub with a group of friends. here comes this girl, this gorgeous perfectly shaped girl. everything she has is very blatantly showing, and all the guys notice. the men congregate around her, but as the night progresses i notice all she's getting are people staring at her and no one talking to her. soon she slides under the cover of the clear water, trying to hide what she left uncovered before she came. i felt bad for her. and yet i found myself wishing i was her. wishing i could get guys, even just one guy to look at me like they looked at her.
the very next day i'm sitting next to a beloved friend. she's shy and extremely quiet, beautiful in her own way, but never noticed. everyone assumes she prefers to be hidden, to be in the background. but there she is trying to mask the sadness and despair she feels, trying to not reveal her tears as they well up in her eyes. all she wants is to be loved, to be seen, to be something that someone will want. and she says, "sometimes i don't believe i'll ever get married."
yesterday i go to work, and i teach my group therapy to the girls at drug rehab. we watch killing us softly 4 and discuss how media and society change our self perception. not just how we view ourselves, but also how others see us, or worse...how they don't see us. i ask the girls if they think the ads and media messages influence them. the newest girl, youngest too, says, "it may sound silly, but i always wish i had their hair." this beautiful 14 year old has perfect hair...but not perfect enough. another girl tells how she always wants to be skinnier when she sees the perfectly shaped woman in the media. i look at her, tall and very slender...and i know something is very wrong in our world.
today at my other job i sit in the back of a meeting and a dear friend tells me of her little sister. her sister has always been overweight. recently she has been obsessing about losing the pounds, all she wants is to be wanted. there is this guy that works with her little sister. he doesn't want to date her, but he sweet talks her and makes out with her...and at the end of the day all she has to show for it is the purple marks up and down her neck. but finally she is being noticed, but for what? for how long?
i hate being gertrude and and i hate that society expects us to never settle for being a gertrude. so now i'm doing something about it. i'm gonna be a dreaded blogger...cause i hate not being seen...and worse i hate wanting to be seen. i hate feeling willing at times to sacrifice all i hold dear and all i've worked for for so long, just to have a moment of attention from someone, anyone. i don't know who will see this blog, but if i'm the only one who ever reads it, it will still be worthwhile.
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