within a set of values and assumptions we create about life, we base our actions and gain understanding to our experiences. self betrayal is the going against our life compass, when our actions don't line up with our set of values or beliefs. reconciliation is the process we go through to give validity and meaning to our actions that have caused self betrayal. in order to exist, human beings go through this process of reconciliation on a frequent if not daily basis. without it we have no meaning to our life, we lack purpose.
thanks to dr. jacobsen, my social psych professor i know how to define what i am experiencing in my life. my list of reconciliation tactics include these: i must be doing something wrong-if only i went to bed on time, accomplished my goals, studied the scriptures more sincerely, prayed with more earnestness, pondered more, weighed less, wasted less time, served more diligently, budgeted more wisely, showed more integrity, had a cleaner room, slept more regularly and had a closer relationship to God-then i would be married. if i had been more ready when that wonderful boy dated me then he would have wanted to pursue me and i would be married. i must be doing something wrong-do i have issues i need to take care of? i must have other things the Lord still needs me to do while i am single that i can't do while i am married. i am too busy with work, school, calling, and serving other people, i am working myself single. i have done too many things with my life and i intimidate men. i'm not asking the Lord sincerely enough. i'm not listening to what He is asking me to do. someday i will be more able to serve God's children because i can empathize with them and their being single.
are these things true? should i be giving them credence? i heed to the first set the most, or anything i can change about myself, to improve myself. i make long lists of things i need to do and then i fail miserably and add "keep my goals" to the long list of goals i can't seem to accomplish. i fear i have missed my chance by not being ready or by working myself single while spiritually i know that those are not true, and that is not how a merciful God runs His universe, and especially not the individual lives of His precious children. i believe more than any of the other reasons that there are things i must do while single and can't do while married, yet i don't dwell on what those things might be as much as all the things i must be doing wrong.
and today i cried about it. now that's weird for me, because even though i may feel lonely and want to be loved, usually me actually crying is brought on by an individual not reciprocating my feelings. this is okay, and also rare. but today i cried because i was not married. today i cried because i am not a mom.
it seems like such a simple thing to desire, and such a righteous thing too. God would never punish me for getting an education and for serving a mission. in fact on the contrary God promises He will not withhold these blessings from those who serve Him and do as He has asked.
my four older sisters were married at ages 18, 19, 19, and 20. my brother was the oldest and was married at 23 or 24. i am 25 and further from marriage than one could imagine. the only thing i've done differently than them is get an education and serve a mission, and keep progressing as much as i can as a single person.
sociologically this makes sense. i mean as you progress you also expect to marry someone equal to, or above you intellectually and spiritually not to mention matching you in life experience. one could easily say i am holding out for someone amazing and the better i become the better he becomes and thus the more worthwhile my wait.
did you know that some days i don't want to wait anymore. those are the days i cave. the days i cuddle with someone i don't like. the days i go on another date with a boy i know i won't marry. the days i allow boys who don't really care about me to kiss me. the former has only happened twice, but it's easy to think, "at least someone wants me." "what if no one else ever comes along?"
i am fairly positive the last thing i am is bitter or even preoccupied with my lack of being married. i don't make it a habit to focus on it. what must sherri dew or barbara thompson feel like? they're twice my age perhaps more,and still single.
i do trust God. i do trust He will keep His promises. i do believe i can bless many lives while i wait for what i desire most.
