sunday a group of girls all ages 18 to 30 sit together in my relief society. the topic being discussed is loneliness. as sisters share why loneliness is universal i look around me at the faces on the sisters in my ward. they are beautiful...but in almost everyone of them, at this exact moment their faces reflect sadness. the sadness i see is the kind that only comes when they think no one is watching, the kind that involuntarily etches it's way across their faces as their mind is going through a slide show of their life. each face shares the pain they mask each day, the pain they usually ignore, but in this moment of vulnerability it is clearly evident. i know most of these girls personally, and as i look at them i think of their stories they have shared with me. i think about what might be on their mind, and am reminded of the pain caused by my own moments of loneliness.
sitting there in this lesson sisters begin to share scriptures that have strengthened them in times of loneliness. as i ponder over all the hundreds of people i love who have shared their stories with me, i think of where their lonely tales have led them. i think of my own scripture, my own strength, and i share it with those lovely sisters.
alma 32:41-43 (as you read imagine your times of loneliness and the things you have been willing to give up)
41-but if ye will nourish the word, yea nourish the tree as it beginneth to grow, by your faith with great dilligence, and with patience, looking forward to the fruit thereof, it shall take root; and behold it shall be a tree springing up unto everlasting life.
42-and because of your dilligence and your faith and your patience with the word in nourishing it, that it may take root in you, behold, by and by ye shall pluck the fruit thereof, which is most precious, which is sweet above all that is sweet, and which is pure above all that is pure, and ye shall feast upon this fruit even until ye are filled, that ye hunger not neither shall ye thirst.
43-then, my brethren, ye shall reap the rewards of your faith , and your diligence, and patience, and long-suffering, waiting for the tree to bring forth fruit unto you.
i happen to believe this. a ces talk forever ago by president james e. faust left me with this phrase forever etched in my mind, "anything worthwhile requires sacrifice." i guess what i'm trying to say is that loneliness is satan trying to tell us we are worthless, that no one will want us or to be around us. then if we believe him we take the first shadow of what we want...not what we really want, only the shadow that is easily accessible. the real thing takes time to find or work for, but it is real, and no matter how long we have to wait it is always going to be better than the shadow.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
my life in dr. seuss
"there once was a girl-bird named gertrude mcfuzz and she had the smallest plain tail ever was. one droopy-droop feather. that's all that she had. and, oh! that one feather made gertrude so sad. for there was another young bird that she knew, a fancy young birdie named lolla-lee-lou, and instead of one feather behind, she had two!" (dr. seuss) so the story goes on...gertrude finds some berries that help feathers grow, she eats one, then another and another and another. by the time she's finished she has a whole train of lovely feathers, but she can't fly. in the end the other birds have to fly her home and pluck out all her feathers but the original one.
every day i meet a plethora of gertrudes...they can be found anywhere. i am confident men have gertrude mcfuzz moments...but i can guarantee every girl you meet is a gertrude mcfuzz, perhaps not right at this moment...but certainly they have been a gertrude recently, and they will be again soon. you, if you're female, are a gertrude. the truth is that even the lolla-lee-lou you've been envying, she's really a gertrude too.
so saturday i'm sitting in the hot tub with a group of friends. here comes this girl, this gorgeous perfectly shaped girl. everything she has is very blatantly showing, and all the guys notice. the men congregate around her, but as the night progresses i notice all she's getting are people staring at her and no one talking to her. soon she slides under the cover of the clear water, trying to hide what she left uncovered before she came. i felt bad for her. and yet i found myself wishing i was her. wishing i could get guys, even just one guy to look at me like they looked at her.
the very next day i'm sitting next to a beloved friend. she's shy and extremely quiet, beautiful in her own way, but never noticed. everyone assumes she prefers to be hidden, to be in the background. but there she is trying to mask the sadness and despair she feels, trying to not reveal her tears as they well up in her eyes. all she wants is to be loved, to be seen, to be something that someone will want. and she says, "sometimes i don't believe i'll ever get married."
yesterday i go to work, and i teach my group therapy to the girls at drug rehab. we watch killing us softly 4 and discuss how media and society change our self perception. not just how we view ourselves, but also how others see us, or worse...how they don't see us. i ask the girls if they think the ads and media messages influence them. the newest girl, youngest too, says, "it may sound silly, but i always wish i had their hair." this beautiful 14 year old has perfect hair...but not perfect enough. another girl tells how she always wants to be skinnier when she sees the perfectly shaped woman in the media. i look at her, tall and very slender...and i know something is very wrong in our world.
today at my other job i sit in the back of a meeting and a dear friend tells me of her little sister. her sister has always been overweight. recently she has been obsessing about losing the pounds, all she wants is to be wanted. there is this guy that works with her little sister. he doesn't want to date her, but he sweet talks her and makes out with her...and at the end of the day all she has to show for it is the purple marks up and down her neck. but finally she is being noticed, but for what? for how long?
i hate being gertrude and and i hate that society expects us to never settle for being a gertrude. so now i'm doing something about it. i'm gonna be a dreaded blogger...cause i hate not being seen...and worse i hate wanting to be seen. i hate feeling willing at times to sacrifice all i hold dear and all i've worked for for so long, just to have a moment of attention from someone, anyone. i don't know who will see this blog, but if i'm the only one who ever reads it, it will still be worthwhile.
every day i meet a plethora of gertrudes...they can be found anywhere. i am confident men have gertrude mcfuzz moments...but i can guarantee every girl you meet is a gertrude mcfuzz, perhaps not right at this moment...but certainly they have been a gertrude recently, and they will be again soon. you, if you're female, are a gertrude. the truth is that even the lolla-lee-lou you've been envying, she's really a gertrude too.
so saturday i'm sitting in the hot tub with a group of friends. here comes this girl, this gorgeous perfectly shaped girl. everything she has is very blatantly showing, and all the guys notice. the men congregate around her, but as the night progresses i notice all she's getting are people staring at her and no one talking to her. soon she slides under the cover of the clear water, trying to hide what she left uncovered before she came. i felt bad for her. and yet i found myself wishing i was her. wishing i could get guys, even just one guy to look at me like they looked at her.
the very next day i'm sitting next to a beloved friend. she's shy and extremely quiet, beautiful in her own way, but never noticed. everyone assumes she prefers to be hidden, to be in the background. but there she is trying to mask the sadness and despair she feels, trying to not reveal her tears as they well up in her eyes. all she wants is to be loved, to be seen, to be something that someone will want. and she says, "sometimes i don't believe i'll ever get married."
yesterday i go to work, and i teach my group therapy to the girls at drug rehab. we watch killing us softly 4 and discuss how media and society change our self perception. not just how we view ourselves, but also how others see us, or worse...how they don't see us. i ask the girls if they think the ads and media messages influence them. the newest girl, youngest too, says, "it may sound silly, but i always wish i had their hair." this beautiful 14 year old has perfect hair...but not perfect enough. another girl tells how she always wants to be skinnier when she sees the perfectly shaped woman in the media. i look at her, tall and very slender...and i know something is very wrong in our world.
today at my other job i sit in the back of a meeting and a dear friend tells me of her little sister. her sister has always been overweight. recently she has been obsessing about losing the pounds, all she wants is to be wanted. there is this guy that works with her little sister. he doesn't want to date her, but he sweet talks her and makes out with her...and at the end of the day all she has to show for it is the purple marks up and down her neck. but finally she is being noticed, but for what? for how long?
i hate being gertrude and and i hate that society expects us to never settle for being a gertrude. so now i'm doing something about it. i'm gonna be a dreaded blogger...cause i hate not being seen...and worse i hate wanting to be seen. i hate feeling willing at times to sacrifice all i hold dear and all i've worked for for so long, just to have a moment of attention from someone, anyone. i don't know who will see this blog, but if i'm the only one who ever reads it, it will still be worthwhile.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)