my life in dr. seuss

"there once was a girl-bird named gertrude mcfuzz and she had the smallest plain tail ever was.  one droopy-droop feather. that's all that she had. and, oh! that one feather made gertrude so sad.  for there was another young bird that she knew, a fancy young birdie named lolla-lee-lou, and instead of one feather behind, she had two!" (dr. seuss)  so the story goes on...gertrude finds some berries that help feathers grow, she eats one, then another and another and another.  by the time she's finished she has a whole train of lovely feathers, but she can't fly.  in the end the other birds have to fly her home and pluck out all her feathers but the original one.   

every day i meet a plethora of gertrudes...they can be found anywhere.  i am confident men have gertrude mcfuzz moments...but i can guarantee every girl you meet is a gertrude mcfuzz, perhaps not right at this moment...but certainly they have been a gertrude recently, and they will be again soon.  you, if you're female, are a gertrude.  the truth is that even the lolla-lee-lou you've been envying, she's really a gertrude too.

so saturday i'm sitting in the hot tub with a group of friends.  here comes this girl, this gorgeous perfectly shaped girl.  everything she has is very blatantly showing, and all the guys notice.  the men congregate around her, but as the night progresses i notice all she's getting are people staring at her and no one talking to her.  soon she slides under the cover of the clear water, trying to hide what she left uncovered before she came.  i felt bad for her.  and yet i found myself wishing i was her.  wishing i could get guys, even just one guy to look at me like they looked at her.

the very next day i'm sitting next to a beloved friend.  she's shy and extremely quiet, beautiful in her own way, but never noticed.  everyone assumes she prefers to be hidden, to be in the background.  but there she is trying to mask the sadness and despair she feels, trying to not reveal her tears as they well up in her eyes.  all she wants is to be loved, to be seen, to be something that someone will want.  and she says, "sometimes i don't believe i'll ever get married." 

yesterday i go to work, and i teach my group therapy to the girls at drug rehab.  we watch killing us softly 4 and discuss how media and society change our self perception.  not just how we view ourselves, but also how others see us, or worse...how they don't see us.  i ask the girls if they think the ads and media messages influence them.  the newest girl, youngest too, says, "it may sound silly, but i always wish i had their hair."  this beautiful 14 year old has perfect hair...but not perfect enough.  another girl tells how she always wants to be skinnier when she sees the perfectly shaped woman in the media.  i look at her, tall and very slender...and i know something is very wrong in our world.   

today at my other job i sit in the back of a meeting and a dear friend tells me of her little sister.  her sister has always been overweight.  recently she has been obsessing about losing the pounds, all she wants is to be wanted.  there is this guy that works with her little sister.  he doesn't want to date her, but he sweet talks her and makes out with her...and at the end of the day all she has to show for it is the purple marks up and down her neck.  but finally she is being noticed, but for what?  for how long?

i hate being gertrude and and i hate that society expects us to never settle for being a gertrude.  so now i'm doing something about it.  i'm gonna be a dreaded blogger...cause i hate not being seen...and worse i hate wanting to be seen.  i hate feeling willing at times to sacrifice all i hold dear and all i've worked for for so long, just to have a moment of attention from someone, anyone.  i don't know who will see this blog, but if i'm the only one who ever reads it, it will still be worthwhile.