"i'm going to prison," he says. "why should i try? i know where i'll end up." i'm at work, teaching my life skills group. he's right you know. he will end up in prison. at age 16 he's already given up. dad went to prison, mom went to prison, got out, overdosed, and died. brothers, uncles, cousins...they've all gone to prison. why would he be different?
it's unfair when you think about it. my family life is not immune to it's challenges. but i was born with a shot. he was born to fail. now obviously i don't believe he can't succeed. my heart aches for him every time he speaks. he has no hope. i want to give him mine, unfortunately hope is nontransferable.
his bright red hair, his handsome face, his ability to befriend the other kids, to make them feel good about themselves, he is good to the core. his potential is truly limitless, unless he limits it himself. how does one give that hope away.
i live in a world divided. at work the only thing these kids need is the hope provided through the atonement, and that is the very thing i can not utter. religion. but it's so much a part of me, i cannot be separated from what i believe, it seeps out of every comment i make. what if they can feel my love for them. what if i can give them chances to succeed. what if they can see their worth through me. that is what i want to be for them.
brown skin, brown eyes, brown hair, white teeth, quick smile, and eyes that sparkle. but tonight they are dimmed by sadness. he refuses to participate. he doesn't pretend to care. "everyone is faking it." he says. i listen. "no one cares, your getting paid to be here, you don't understand my *#$% i've been through." he starts to cry. 17 years old and a gang banger. but he cries, "you don't understand, i have no one!" i weep with him.
he's right you know. i don't understand. i have everyone. i know i am loved, i know i am protected, i know i am taken care of. i know he is too. i can't give him that knowledge. i try. i know someone who understands him. i ask, "what about your higher power?" he says, "there is no higher power. i'm my higher power, all i have is me."
i can't get into grad school. my gpa is too low. i couldn't get to class on time. i couldn't do my homework on time. i didn't have time to study for the test. i cry at night while emailing my professor. why am i trying for grad school. i'll never get in. how could i let this happen? how could i let life happen to me? why didn't i let me happen to life?
i'm right you know. i can't get into grad school. a 3.0 is hardly acceptable. i don't deserve it, because i've only tried enough to finish everything, and not enough to finish well. i've blown my chances.
i'm wrong you know. the boys are wrong you know. i get to choose. i have chosen, and will continue to choose. they can choose. we all get to choose. we can happen to life. all that is required is my little effort and in return my higher power, my God, my Heavenly Father, will always make up the difference. He loves me.
we all have so much more power to be who we want and do what we want, then we allow for ourselves. the only one who limits me is me.
i live in a vicious cycle that i don't stop. i must stop. i must quit being tossed about like a feather in a storm and start being a feather attached to the strong wing of an eagle. i can soar. my eagle is my God. i choose to soar. i choose to be attached to the only thing that can help me succeed.
did you know i can make a difference?
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